this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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