I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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