Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
