I hate all girls vehemently.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
