I think I died a long time ago.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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