the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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