After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
