Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
