Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
zippers are such a cool invention
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
