Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
