She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
