I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
