I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
