organizing the empties. That sober.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
