awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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