your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
