Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
