I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is classic penis vs brain.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
