He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
