My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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