i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
