omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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