At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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