dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I cannot find my penis.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
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there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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