you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid