That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
