Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
