trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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