just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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