i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
