drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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