At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
