What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
