Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
