my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
