I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
