I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
