I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
