i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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