I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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