you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
