my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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