I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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