dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize