im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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