Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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