apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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