I think scott just propositioned me for sex
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
