I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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