I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I AM VODKA MAN
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
