my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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