sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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