What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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