You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
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And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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