My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
