thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
