Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
