i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
