i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
