Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
