I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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